 posted Jun-20-2006 10:23 AM
  
quote:
Originally posted by RunMonkey:
I have many, many other half-baked theories I'd be happy to share.
Presenter (Graham Chapman):
Good evening. CAPTION: "THRUST - A QUITE CONTROVERSIAL LOOK AT THE WORLD AROUND US" Presenter:
I have with me tonight Anne Elk. Mrs Anne Elk. Miss Elk:
(John Cleese, as a very prim lady)
Miss. SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: "ANNE ELK" Presenter:
You have a new theory about the brontosaurus. Miss Elk:
Can I just say here Chris for one moment that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus? Presenter:
Er... exactly.
(he gestures but she does not say anything)
What is it? Miss Elk:
Where? (looks round)
Presenter:
No, no. Your new theory. Miss Elk:
Oh, what is my theory? Presenter:
Yes. Miss Elk:
Oh what is my theory that it is.
Well, Chris, you may well ask me what is my theory. Presenter:
I am asking. Miss Elk:
Good for you. My word yes.
Well Chris, what is it that it is - this theory of mine. Well, this is what it is - my theory that I have, that is to say, which is mine, is mine Presenter:
(beginning to show signs of exasperation)
Yes, I know it's yours, what is it? Miss Elk:
Where? Oh, what is my theory? This is it.
(clears throat at some length)
My theory that belongs to me is as follows.
(clears throat at great length)
This is how it goes.
The next thing I'm going to say is my theory. Ready? Presenter:
Yes! Miss Elk:
My theory by A. Elk. Brackets Miss, brackets.
This theory goes as follows and begins now.
All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much thicker in the middle and then thin again at the far end. That is my theory, it is mine, and belongs to me and I own it, and what it is too. Presenter:
That's it, is it? Miss Elk:
Stop on, Chris. Presenter:
Well, er, this theory of yours appears to have hit the nail on the head. Miss Elk:
And it's mine. Presenter:
Yes, thank you very much for coming along to the studio. Thank you. Miss Elk:
My pleasure, Chris .... Presenter:
Next week Britain's newest wasp farm ... Miss Elk:
It's been a lot of fun. Presenter:
Yes, thank you very much. Miss Elk:
Saying what my theory is. Presenter:
Yes, thank you. Miss Elk:
And whose it is. Presenter:
Yes, thank you - that's all - thank you... opens next week. Miss Elk:
I have another theory. Presenter:
Yes. Miss Elk:
Called my second theory, or my theory number two. Presenter:
Thank you. Britian's newest wasp farm... Miss Elk:
This second theory which was the one that I had said... Presenter:
(the phone rings; he answers)
Yes, no I'm trying... Miss Elk:
Which I could expound without doubt.This second theory which, with the one which I just said, forms the brace of theories which I own and which belong to me, goes like this... Presenter:
(looking at his shoe)
9 and a half, wide fitting... Balleys of Bond Street.
What? No, sort of brogue. Miss Elk:
This is what it is.
(clears throat) Presenter:
8 and a half. Miss Elk:
This is it...
(lots of noisy throat clearing)
The Presenter rises and leaves the set to go next door to the travel agents set, leaving Miss Elk behind for a moment. Bounder is still on the phone.
His other phone rings; he answers it.
Bounder:
Hello, yes ... yes ... The presenter enters the travel set. The tourist is still droning on from a previous sketch and Bounder is still on the phone. Tourist:
(carrying on all through the scene below)
...and the Spanish Tourist Board promises you that the raging choloera epidemic is mearly a case of mild Spanish tummy, like the last outbreak of Spanish tummy in 1660 which killed half London and descimated Europe, and meanwhile the bloody Guardia are busy arresting 16-year-olds for kissing in the streets and shooting anyone under 19 who doesn't like Franco... The Presenter approaches Bounder. Presenter:
The Fire Brigade are here. They're coming! Bounder:
Hello! No, no, no I think they are all part of the British Shoe Corporation now. Miss Elk follows the Presenter in. Miss Elk:
Chris, this other theory of mine which is mine like
the other one I also own. The second theory... The Fire Brigade enter and the secretary goes to greet them. They speak to her and she takes off her shoe to check the size.
Meanwhile...
Miss Elk:
My second theory states that Fire Brigade choirs seldom sing songs about Marcel Proust.
With only a half-beat pause the Fire Brigade starts singing the Proust song. After the usual number of lines we hear the gong. Voice Over (Eric):
Start again.
IP: Logged |
